As a Christian, I feel it is time to criticize some of my own. I'm increasingly disgusted with the lack of scrutiny Christians give to parenting books. If a person claims to be Christian, throws in a couple Bible verses for good measure, then the philosophy they tout is embraced wholeheartedly by Christians. What happened to careful reflection? Examining the context of the verses used to support their beliefs? Studying commentary or, preferably, the original Greek or Hebrew? Why do we use the Old Testament to support the premise that spanking our children is necessary, while ignoring other laws?
Jesus died for our sins and defeated death to give us grace. He died to wash away our sins. He welcomed little children into his arms and in parable told his followers that what we do for the least important, we do for Him. So on the first point, Jesus welcomes the little children and blessed them. Throughout the New Testament, Jesus calls His followers His children. We are Jesus' children. Throughout the New Testament, is there any indication that Jesus beat his disciples? No there is none. Did he rebuke them? Yes most definitely. When the disciples were out of line, He did. Just as He allows us to be rebuked when we do wrong. Yet through it all, He shows us mercy and grace. He rebukes us in love.
So, we must ask ourselves, what example did Jesus give us based on his interaction with children? He blessed them. Should we not do the same? Should we not show the same mercy and grace to our children that Jesus shows to us? Yes, we should. We role model God's love to our children. We are the vessels through which His love is poured through. We bless our children through our love. Since we are this earthly example of Fatherly love, how do we express that to our children? Through spanking? Through slapping? Does that REALLY show them God's love, mercy and forgiveness? Through letting a wee bairn cry their little heart out in a dark room alone? Letting them cry because its not time for them to eat? Denying them mercy and comfort? What god are we trying to show our children?
On anther note, children do not do anything that is developmentally abnormal when they cry, or tantrum, or hit, or bit. Babies will cry. They will need to eat sooner than 2 hours. Their little tummies will hurt. They will feel lonely in the middle of the night and need a snuggle. Meeting our child's needs is how we express the Father's love. We are not buying into sin when we do these things. God gave us tiny souls and bodies to nurture for his kingdom. Are we doing that when we follow the Pearl's and switch a five month old? Are we doing that when we force our toddler on blanket time? Are we doing that when we spank a child until they act sweet? No, we are, in fact, going contrary to Jesus' example and contrary to the Bible when it tells us not to exasperate our children.
Now, I'm sure many followers of Pearls and Ezzo believe that if they don't spank, they will be permissive with their children. Parenting is not so black and white as that. There is a large continuum on which we can fall. The Pearls and Ezzo fall at the authoritarian end. Permissive is at the other end. Democratic parenting fall right in the middle. If one were to study child development, many things that the Pearls and Ezzo are developmentally normal. Spanking isn't the only answer, particularly when study after study and expert after expert (which neither the Pearls nor Ezzos are, look up their qualifications, they have none) says it is harmful.
So, please, if you are considering any of the books by Pearl or Ezzo, do your research first. God gave us a brain to use, so use yours. Think about long term consequences to the parenting philosophies you adopt. Pray to God to help you show grace to your children. Treat their gentle hearts kindly and love them.
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12 comments:
Im a mother of two boys (3 and 1) and an evangelical pastors wife.
I do not believe spanking is being unloving. If anything its loving them enough to correct wrong behavior.
We spank our children. We do not beat them or slap them.
My Caleb who is 3 has never once called us mean, hateful... he is a very loving child and loves us very much. He is also actually very attached to both of us.. and I think if a child was hurt or felt unloved by a parent who spanked they wouldnt be so attached like he is.
In Eph 2 it says "were by nature children of wrath."
When I spank my son I am doing it to disciple him and correct him. Im not doing it to hurt him. When I sit him in time out (maybe in a dark room, maybe not. I dont think its wrong either way).. i am teaching him the consequence for his behavior.
Any time I spank I always sit down with my son and explain to him why we had to do this... and that we dont like to but that we need to show him the consequence for his behavior.
To just hug him and say "caleb... dont do that again" doesnt happen in our home. I wish it did! cause I dont enjoy ever spanking my child.. but it doesnt.
Both my husband and i were spanked. Neither of us feel unloved from it and have no hard feelings. If anything we are both thankful our parents did because it kept us out of trouble.
As far as tantrums... their wrong. A child has trouble expressing themselves at young ages but to throw a tantrum is just their expression of being frustrated or mad. That doesnt make it right. We need to teach them the correct way to deal with that anger... and throwing a hissy fit on the floor isnt the right way.
My son Caleb has never been one to throw tantrums. I only recall him throwing 1 tantrum in public and maybe 2 at home. All of them were spread far between. I dont put up with that behavior and he does get a spanking if he wont calm downw hen I say "stop it."
Same with a crying baby. It is a stage because they obviously cant talk and cry to get what they want.. But I think we can teach babies even as young as 1 (I have a 1 year old) not to SCREAM for food. I can be fixing a bottle for Taite and he will scream and scream for a bottle but he needs to learn to be patient... and he has to know im goi ng to give it to him, I always do. So I am correct him even now at this young age. Im not spanking him but I do tell him NO and put him in time out if he doesnt stop. He is already learning and I think its wonderful!
I think each parent can parent their own way.. but to say its wrong to do something a certain way especially in this area isnt really anyones place.
I think we are to love our children as Christ loved the church... but Christ also believed in discipline and just as he wants it to be done in the local church we need to discipline our children.. and sometimes its not easy to do.. but it needs to be done.
I hope this made sense. :-)
Id also like to say my child isnt perfect by any means but I have had countless people tell me how amazed they are at the way my children behave in public. Its not always 100% but i still remember one time when Caleb was 2 my friend who had a 4 year old at the time said "I just cant believe how well he listens... and hes only two! he listens better than my son... and hes 4!"
I give all the credit to not sparing the rod. and to loving my child.
Drea,
I think you miss understand the purpose of gentle parenting. I discipline my son too. I just don't hit him. I correct him. I love him.
I'm sure spanking IS effective. I know that if my husband hit me every time I did something that he considered wrong, I would stop doing that behavior too.
I was spanked as a child too. I don't doubt my parent's love for me, nor do I harbor any anger towards them. They did what they had been taught and what they thought was best. That does not mean that I agree with them that spanking is the best option.
Through logical consequences and discussion, my son is disciplined. He likes to try to stick his keys into the side of the computer. When he does that, he gets a warning and if he tries again, the keys are put up. And he's listening to us now. Without any spanking or time outs!
I don't think tantrums are right, but it is the way small children express themselves. Through gentle correction and rolemodeling the correct way to handle anger, we are teaching our son not that anger is wrong, but the appropriate way to express our feelings. I think that when we forbid our children expression of their feelings, we are not teaching them to manage their feelings but to shut them down.
When someone puts a Christian label on their parenting philosophy, as Christian brothers and sisters, I DO believe it is our duty to correct each other. I'm sure I don't have perfection in terms of parenting, but I am open to correction, particularly loving and gentle correction.
And I agree wholeheartedly that our children need discipline. But again, if we use Christ's example, there is no indication of spanking. Rebukes and gentle correction, yes.
As to sparing the rod. The rod is what shepards used to guide their sheep. Shepards do not hit their sheep with the rod. The rod is used to guide. I haven't delved into the interpretations of this verse, but its not something I believe is to be taken at face value without studying the Greek and Hebrew.
I couldn't agree with you more, Dorm Mom! Thanks for explaining gentle discipline so beautifully. Make no mistake, though, that is IS discipline...not being a pushover (which is how much of the spanking world thinks of "gentle" anything...as a pushover).
It's possible to set firm limits and enforce them gently. No coercion, shame, belittling, or punitive means necessary.
I don't spank and I have 4 great, well behaved, well disciplined kids ages 11 down to age 2. Every time we go out we get compliments on their behavior. You don't have to hit a kid to make them behave, you have to discipline. Hitting isn't discipline, it's punishment, it's retribution. it teaches very little in the long term.
Hi. I just want to add to what my wife said, all of which of course I totally agree with.
A couple of things that I believe you have misunderstanding about is first of all, it sounds a lot like you're separating the God of the O.T. from the God of the N.T. which of course is a major heresy, b/c both are one and the same.
But secondly, tough love (aka: discipline) is found in many parts of the Bible, not just from overt sayings in Proverbs. God had to discipline His people Israel many times because of disobedience and rebellion... and many times very harshly.
But even in the N.T., there are several places where Paul speaks of Christian men who were disciplined by the Lord because of sin. In fact, he instructs the church of Corinth to cast some people out of the church fellowship and to hand them over to Satan for the destruction of their flesh so that their spirit might be savd. Sounds like discipline to me.
And then in Hebrews 12, the Word of God tells us that God will discipline is children (i.e. you and me)... and if we continue in sin and God doesn't discipline, then we are not really his children.
So, I'm all for loving our children and be merciful and gracious, but if that's all they ever experience then their understanding of both life and the nature of God will be ultimately incomplete.
One last thought for you, if you really don't want to hit your children but you want to be theologically correct... (and this is not a joke). The next time they behave badly and deserve a whipping... have your husband whip you instead, and so demonstrate to them what Jesus did for us in taking God's wrath for us.
Wow, Travis. Just wow. The God of the OT is the God of the NT, obviously. And no I'm not seperating Him or claiming He is different, so you're assertion of heresy is incorrect.
However, the difference between the OT and the NT is Jesus' death, burial and resurrection which covers us in grace. Focusing on hell fire and brimstone, punishment and death is focusing on the wrong message in my opinion.
There is no doubt that we are punished for our sins when we are unrepentent. Even when we are unrepentent, we may still have natural consequences for our sins. God's forgiveness and grace is so all consuming and Jesus' sacrifice so great, that our sin is forgiven, covered, forgotten.
All the cases of punishment in the NT and the OT was for unrepentance. God gave Israel chance after chance through prophet after prophet and begged them to return to Him. And again in the NT men and women who were cast out, were not cast out because of their sin but because of their unrepentence.
I am not advocating for not disciplining our children, just that physical punishment is not necessary. We need to show God's grace to our children, otherwise they will not understand the Good News.
And my husband doesn't need to beat me to show my son Jesus. You see, Jesus already took the beating for me, on the cross.
I think the crux of the matter is your statement that it is a spectrum. I was an avid Ezzo follower for many years, AP was just WRONG. What I didn't know, and came to know through meeting many wonderful Christian GCD and AP parents on line, is that it doesn't have to be all or nothing. I have been so encouraged by Crystal of AOLFF when she speaks so often at GCM about boundaries, because I was told in Growing Kids God's Way that AP parenting was permissive and meant no boundaries. That is SO not true!!! Gentle discipline does NOT mean "just a hug and don't do that again". It does NOT mean allowing your child to throw a hissy fit temper tantrum. It means you educate yourself to know what behaviors are developmentally appropriate and what are not. It means you find other tools to enforce boundaries than spanking. There are many if you take that one out of your toolbox. Most of them take more effort and more preemptive parenting.
The other issue of OT vs NT God is just a strawman. God of course is the same God always. If you actually look -- God didn't "punish" his children (something else I've learned from Crystals extensive knowledge of Torah). He constantly told them "If you do this, then that will happen" and then he let it happen. ALL of the misery visited upon the Children of Israel was a result of their own sin and not listening to God -- not because he said he would hit them if they disobeyed but because he said there would be a price for their actions.
I'm sure there is more to say, but my own kids are getting squirrelly and rather than threaten to spank them for misbehaving, I need to give them a little more attention, lol!
I've decided I'm not going to post any more dissenting opinions; I am reading them though. I wholeheartedly apologize if I hurt anyone by the words I used in my post. My intention isn't to poke at parents who use Ezzo or the Pearls but to ask them to critically think about their decisions and parenting philosophies, especially if they aren't studying the opposite side at all. I have done my research, I have studied Ezzo and the Pearls and I believe them to be wrong. They are not for me and my family. I do not believe that Jesus would advocate for disciplining children the way they do. Of course, I don't know that for sure. I can only read the Bible and pray for His guidance.
I would also like to point out that the Pearls and Ezzo have no credentials to teach a parenting philosophy. They are simply parents.
Again, I apologize if I hurt anyone by post.
I really liked what you wrote. I found your blog through GCM (I'm MamaJuli on there) I'm going to also add you to my blogs I read list
You get it. Children need love and compassion. They do not need to be hit for normal child behaviour. They are kids! Things that emphasize hitting over understanding can alienate a child from their parents, can cause parents to be even more frustrated with nomral childhood behaviour than they already are!
A child who is crying isn't being bad. They need patience, attention and affection and gentle discipline that teaches them instead of hitting them for their mistakes.
Dorm Mom, I agree with everything you've said. Some are just not willing to accept that there is more than one form of discipline. Personally, I do not understand this. Parents' responses should be as varied as their children and the situations in which they find themselves, not a one size fits all spanking for every transgression.
I am not as well-versed as I would like to be in Scripture, however I would like to draw everyone's attention to the story of Jesus and the prostitute brought before him. She was to be stoned for the sake of discipline, but Jesus asked, "Who among you is without sin? Let that one cast the first stone." He did not condone her actions, but neither did he condone such harsh punishment when no other form of discipline had yet been applied. He chose mercy. Mercy!
I am continually amazed to see adults who will sit in church and listen to the lessons of mercy, forgiveness, kindness, and judgment (as it is wrong for us to exact), nodding all the while, emphatically, exalting His name. Then, I have seen those same parents give not one inch of grace to their children. How is it that the very basic principles by which we are to live and the manner in which He taught us to treat others does not apply to children, the most helpless and needy among us?
There is a training philosophy that permeates business models everywhere and I think it applies equally well to Christian parenting. Crawl, walk, run. We are the trainers and our children are the students. We cannot exact punishments for how poorly our children run, nor how slow, if we have yet failed to teach them to crawl and walk.
Developmental stages are not a shield behind which permissive parents hide. They are a fact of human existence. They exist not just in childhood, but in our walk with Christ. Would that he would judge us on our running when we are still learning to crawl, a good many of us would have ended our walk, choosing another way in which to find answers, acceptance, and love in our lives. He is saddened to a depth we cannot imagine when one of His children turns away from him.
I am happy that my Savior does not beat me down with harsh punishment when I am weak or unlearned or young. He lifts me up and beckons me to see His mercy and love in everything. He carries me, supports me, and teaches me and I have never felt harshness, but I have most assuredly been disciplined and been faced with consequences for my actions. I have most assuredly learned. I have most assuredly grown. Please consider how you would feel if your child were to turn away from you.
It's perfectly possible to discipline children without spanking them, as I am sure all the parents posting here know. I'm sure they don't *only* spank their children as they disciple them.
The interesting thing is that the better you get at those other forms of discipline, the more you see spanking as an inferior form, and the more cognitive, teaching forms of discipline as superior, both on a practical level and in the way it better comports with following Christ. The Bible is full of other kinds of discipline. Look for it and you'll see it everywhere.
This was a good post and I hope parents will think about it, as you encouraged them to do.
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