Getting undeneath the behavior

I shouldn't need reminded, but I often do, that behavior isn't usually very cut and dry. Behavior is motivated by our thoughts, attitudes, beliefs, experiences. It's true for adults, and it's true for toddlers. I've been increasingly frustrated with Caden these past few weeks and months. I was not parenting him effectively due to neglecting to get underneath his behavior (and frankly for being in a winter slump). I have felt increasingly detached from Caden, and if I'm feeling those things, perhaps he is too. Snap! That might explains the "twoness" of his behavior.

At the encouragement of some very, very wise counsel, I have gotten off my hiney thus far today and gotten beneath the behavior, and so far, it's been a great day! We've watched tv less, played more. We've had less tantrums, more connections.

So I wonder, how much of this frustration the past few weeks has been my own causing? I think the majority. I've been battling the devils of my own upbringing (read: punitive parenting) and been more and more frustrated with Caden's behavior. While, his behavior wasn't up to par, the issue wasn't with a "bad" kid or the "terrible twos" it was, in my case, failing to understand the root of the behavior, a need for stimulation and connection.

I hope this practical lesson will settle deep enough in my head to pop up as a reminder when I face similar days to the days I have experienced recently. I don't think that this will lead to sunny skies and perfect parenting from here on out (I wish!), but I think this lesson is an important one in the journey of mommyhood.

Gentle Parenting

As a Christian, I feel it is time to criticize some of my own. I'm increasingly disgusted with the lack of scrutiny Christians give to parenting books. If a person claims to be Christian, throws in a couple Bible verses for good measure, then the philosophy they tout is embraced wholeheartedly by Christians. What happened to careful reflection? Examining the context of the verses used to support their beliefs? Studying commentary or, preferably, the original Greek or Hebrew? Why do we use the Old Testament to support the premise that spanking our children is necessary, while ignoring other laws?

Jesus died for our sins and defeated death to give us grace. He died to wash away our sins. He welcomed little children into his arms and in parable told his followers that what we do for the least important, we do for Him. So on the first point, Jesus welcomes the little children and blessed them. Throughout the New Testament, Jesus calls His followers His children. We are Jesus' children. Throughout the New Testament, is there any indication that Jesus beat his disciples? No there is none. Did he rebuke them? Yes most definitely. When the disciples were out of line, He did. Just as He allows us to be rebuked when we do wrong. Yet through it all, He shows us mercy and grace. He rebukes us in love.

So, we must ask ourselves, what example did Jesus give us based on his interaction with children? He blessed them. Should we not do the same? Should we not show the same mercy and grace to our children that Jesus shows to us? Yes, we should. We role model God's love to our children. We are the vessels through which His love is poured through. We bless our children through our love. Since we are this earthly example of Fatherly love, how do we express that to our children? Through spanking? Through slapping? Does that REALLY show them God's love, mercy and forgiveness? Through letting a wee bairn cry their little heart out in a dark room alone? Letting them cry because its not time for them to eat? Denying them mercy and comfort? What god are we trying to show our children?

On anther note, children do not do anything that is developmentally abnormal when they cry, or tantrum, or hit, or bit. Babies will cry. They will need to eat sooner than 2 hours. Their little tummies will hurt. They will feel lonely in the middle of the night and need a snuggle. Meeting our child's needs is how we express the Father's love. We are not buying into sin when we do these things. God gave us tiny souls and bodies to nurture for his kingdom. Are we doing that when we follow the Pearl's and switch a five month old? Are we doing that when we force our toddler on blanket time? Are we doing that when we spank a child until they act sweet? No, we are, in fact, going contrary to Jesus' example and contrary to the Bible when it tells us not to exasperate our children.

Now, I'm sure many followers of Pearls and Ezzo believe that if they don't spank, they will be permissive with their children. Parenting is not so black and white as that. There is a large continuum on which we can fall. The Pearls and Ezzo fall at the authoritarian end. Permissive is at the other end. Democratic parenting fall right in the middle. If one were to study child development, many things that the Pearls and Ezzo are developmentally normal. Spanking isn't the only answer, particularly when study after study and expert after expert (which neither the Pearls nor Ezzos are, look up their qualifications, they have none) says it is harmful.

So, please, if you are considering any of the books by Pearl or Ezzo, do your research first. God gave us a brain to use, so use yours. Think about long term consequences to the parenting philosophies you adopt. Pray to God to help you show grace to your children. Treat their gentle hearts kindly and love them.